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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640541">My Invincible Summer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/riderOnTheStorm9682/pseuds/riderOnTheStorm9682'>riderOnTheStorm9682</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Listen, love... [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types, Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Alive, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hollstein is endgame, Human Carmilla Karnstein, So much angst, Vampire Laura Hollis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:34:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/riderOnTheStorm9682/pseuds/riderOnTheStorm9682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura and Carm deal with the aftermath of Mother and Elle's deal with the fish god. Laura deals with being a vamp. Carm deals with being a human. They got some shit to work out. They saved the world once, but they may have unleashed something much more sinister in the process...</p><p>Part 2 of "Listen, Love" series</p><p>Read Part 1, "There was never another ending for someone like me" before reading this!</p><p>As with Part 1, this will be dark, y'all. Be prepared. But I promise Hollstein is end game! Not sure what my update schedule will be but I will finish!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carmilla &amp; Laura (Carmilla), Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Listen, love... [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098818</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Blurred</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Annnnnndd we're back! Hey y'all sorry it took so long. Life is CRAZY rn as I'm sure you know.</p><p>so life update: I'm getting my second dose of the vaccine soon. yay. And med school somehow got harder???? </p><p>Anyway, So this started out super angsty? sorry in advance.</p><p>I hope you enjoy this. Let me know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Laura</p><p>I think I’m alive. I can see things. Smell things. Hear things. I can….taste things. It feels real.</p><p>But my world has a dream quality to it. Like when you’re sitting on a train watching the world fly past your window at light speed and your eyes can’t move fast enough to focus on any one thing, so it’s just reduced to a blur of colors. I never could look out the window on trains because the sight always made me dizzy.</p><p>That’s how my world is now. Blurred, out of focus, fleeting images and feelings. I can’t get my mind to settle on any one thing and it’s maddening.</p><p>And the thing is, there’s this small part deep in my brain that knows exactly what’s going on. But I can’t reach it. I can just feel this buzzing in the back of my skull and the feeling in my gut that’s telling me there’s more to this story.</p><p>I know something happened. Something happened to me. Something really bad. I know this because the unmistakable feeling of cold, hard dread is settled in my bones, and even in my confusion this is the feeling I am most sure of.</p><p>It’s consistent and steady. And that small, sane part of my brain pulses with it, as if trying to remind me.</p><p>But it’s a lost cause.</p><p>I can feel my body rejecting it like a reflex. Like foreign intruder. I can feel my cells mobilizing in my blood and tissues to fight against it. It makes me limbs feel fuzzy and tingly.</p><p>And I hope to whatever god is listening that they win their battle, because there’s is nothing in heaven or hell that will get me to touch that dread with a ten-foot pole.</p><p>I may not remember much. But I know one thing well. And it rattles around my fumbling brain, banging violently and insistently against the inside of my skull.</p><p>I am tired.</p><p>I am done.</p><p>So, I surrender to the blur. I let it wash over me. I let it fill up my veins and replace that cold dread with nothingness.</p><p>So I will not be waking up.</p><p>No, It is better this way. I know.</p><p>It’s better this way.</p><ul>

</ul><p> </p><p>The buzzing is getting worse. And my body is fighting harder. It’s getting harder and harder to ignore.</p><p>But it’s almost as if the intensity of the battle is breathing a new life into me.</p><p>I feel alert. The world is in sharper focus. I can make out shapes out of the blur.  I can taste metal on my tongue, and I hear screeching in my ears. I cannot make sense of it. But I can categorize it. Put a name to these things, but no more.</p><p>That cold dread still lies dormant but menacing in my bones, but the buzzing is so loud and so jarring that the cold is masked. My limbs burn with the need to move and thrash and destroy. My muscles ache with power and violence.</p><p>It makes me feel high. Like I’ve taken a shot or snorted something. I’ve never done either of those things but if I could guess this is what it feels like.</p><p>It’s a relief to some extent. To have that bitter cold masked, traded for this artificial high.</p><p>But that’s the thing. It feels like it’s a lie. Like I’m just covering something up an I’m ignoring the real problem. This energy is mounting and mounting, and I don’t know how much I can hold inside me before I burst. It feels too fast and overwhelming. And it makes me want to sleep but for some reason I can’t.</p><p>I can’t turn it off.</p><p>I want to go back. I want to go back to where I came from. Wherever that was. I remember a fleeting feeling, a breathe of a memory. When time slowed to a crawl and I felt like I had time to think. Time to figure things out. Time to comprehend things.</p><p>But this. This artificial high is almost too much. And the hard part is I can’t even get upset about it because it won’t let me. It feels like my mind is being torn apart and split into two pieces, stretching and stretching, but it won’t break.</p><p>And <em>god</em>, I just want it to break. I want to finally choose a side to land on. I want a decision.</p><p>Yes or no.</p><p>Stay or go.</p><p>None of this vacillating bullshit. Just fucking let me choose. Let me have peace.</p><p>Whatever that looks like.</p><p>Even if I have to go back to the place I was. Where it was dark and cold and excruciating. As long as it’s a decision. As long as I don’t have to stay here in this in between.</p><p>And something inside me craves that darkness. That peaceful dark. Because it’s freeing. Nothing matters. Not even you. You just are. You just exist and all you think about is getting through the day and all you look forward to is the next time you can lay your head on the pillow and go to sleep.</p><p>But now I don’t even get that. Time slips by through my fingers like sand and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And I’ve got this knot in my stomach that dreads it. Like I’m on a roller coaster and I’m tied down going 100 mph and there’s no getting off. Just my sweaty palms gripping onto cold metal and my stomach flying in my throat as I free fall.</p><p>God, what a joke. I felt like I was falling before. I felt like I was falling through an abyss of blackness and dark ether and all I wanted was to be anchored. I thought this would make me feel anchored but I’m still free falling, only this time I’m tethered to something and I’m going forward forward forward and I can’t even look back. All I have is what’s ahead of me and I can’t’ even think about the present moment because it’s too fleeting for my brain to process it.</p><p>So I want to go back. When the hands of the clock dragged around the clock like molasses and a minute felt like an hour.</p><p>God, I don’t want this. I don’t want it. I hate it. I hate it and I guess I’m just gonna fucking do it anyway because I don’t have a choice but <em>god</em> I  hate it.</p><p>It makes me want to burn everything down so I can feel safe again.</p><p>So I can feel small again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Carm waits</p><p>Laura tries to figure out whats going on<br/>and remembers thingsss</p><p>A lil flashback a la Laura POV</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyo so i outlined the first few chaps of this, but still haven't decided exactly where I'm going.<br/>But that's the fun part!</p><p>Anyway FYI, Carm's POV is second person, while Laura's POV is first person but she refers to Carm as "you". It may be confusing but I like the effect it has.</p><p>In other news I got my second vaccine so next week I'll officially be ~95% protected against the Rona. Pretty cool. Again I strongly encourage you to get the shot when it's your turn, if you are medically able. I don't know about you but I'm so FUCKING TIRED of this pandemic. If we can all work together to get people vaccinated, we won't have to deal with this much longer. Also PSA, if and when you do get vaccinated, please continue to mask and social distance. We know that the vaccine has been proven to reduce symptomatic cases of COVID both in frequency and severity, but There's is no data yet (as of today 1/17) for the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines on whether the vaccine prevent asymptomatic transmission. So act like it doesn't! Believe me, I know it sucks and I want nothing more than to find all my friends and family I haven't seen in a year and just hug and breathe all over them but I can't yet, even though I'm vaccinated. Stay the course, and eventually we will be reunited once more! If anyone has anyone questions on this subject, hit me up in the comments, I'd love to provide info if I have it to assuage any concerns!</p><p>Anyway, in the meantime, here's 3k of more confusion and angst. Have fun!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carmilla</p><p>It’s been ten days. You’ve laid here on this floor in front of her door for ten days straight.</p><p>You are extremely uncomfortable and the hard floor digs into your ass, making your right ass cheek spasm every hour or so. You can feel the muscles in your neck strain from the way you’ve been sleeping with your head lolled on your shoulder every night.</p><p>You scoff at yourself as you attempt to rub the kinks out of your neck. You spent a century inside a coffin for Christ’s sake. The idea that a simple hardwood floor would get the better of you in downright pathetic and you’re honestly embarrassed.</p><p>But, as your frequent, but very necessary trips to the bathroom indicate, you are no longer who you once were. Your skin is friable, and your muscles easily fatigued. You are in a constant state of either being hungry or needing to pee and honestly you don’t remember it being this annoying. You had teased Laura incessantly about her squirrel sized bladder before, but now you realize her frequent trips to the bathroom were not as abnormal as you had thought.</p><p>Laura.</p><p>Her name echoes in your head as you think about her, a stab of anxiety piercing your gut.</p><p>You vaguely remember your own change. Your memory is fuzzy and disjointed. You had long since made concerted efforts <em>not</em> to remember that particular event. But, there are certain things that had stuck in your mind despite your best efforts. The sheer intensity of the experience made it difficult to forget, and you suppose that your brain had clung to those memories as a survival mechanism. Certainly, your brain had wanted to catalogue one of the most painful and excruciating events it had ever experienced. If not, to somehow avoid any sort of repeat occurrence, then to act as a reminder. That your new prowess as earth’s most fearsome predator had come at a steep price. And it was not to be taken lightly.</p><p>That price, now being paid by Laura.</p><p>You hear an unmistakable growl echo through the door and a violent thump against the wall a second later. Your hand reaches out on its own volition to press your palm against the cold wooden door. Your whole being aches to burst in and gather her into your arms and just squeeze her as hard as you can until she can feel just how sorry you are. So, she can know how what you did to her broke you in every way, and that while you will never be whole again, she can have whatever pieces of you are left.</p><p>You know at least partially what she’s feeling. The physical part. You know she’s thirsty beyond belief. You know her muscles twitch furiously, begging her to burrow her way through these impenetrable walls if not to find something to drink, then to simply destroy something-anything. While the thirst does abate eventually and you simply learn to live with a slight ache in your throat after a while, the penchant for violence never really fades. It’s an innate reflex that cannot be regulated except by the most diligent and persistent of vampires, after years and years of practice. You had only gained control when you’d completely dissociated with yourself. You had barely even been conscious when you met Laura, and even then, it took every ounce of self-restraint not to rip Clifford’s arm’s out of their sockets every time her hand brushed unnecessarily low on Laura’s back.</p><p>You know that aside from thirst and violence, she’s also not fully conscious. Her brain has very suddenly gained several different senses and functions such as venom production, while losing many other previously important ones such as breathing and heartbeat. Her brain is essentially scrambled at the moment, as new neuronal pathways are built, and others dissolved. She likely doesn’t really know where she is or why she’s still alive. You wonder whether she even knows or remembers who you are.</p><p>It is quite disorienting, to say the least, and the first few days are the most intense. Your memory of this time is the most incomplete, but the overall feeling of profound confusion and vomit-inducing vertigo is something you won’t likely forget.</p><p>You don’t remember how long it took you to change, but from what you’d gathered over your lifetime from other vampires, it typically took around two weeks, varying depending on the person. You once heard of it lasting an entire decade for one very unfortunate 14<sup>th</sup> century monk who’d apparently woke up thinking he’d just been meditating, completely unaware of the amount of time that had gone by.</p><p>Mattie had told you that story, so you don’t really believe it is even remotely true, but the idea that Laura could spend so much time in this state makes your stomach roll and sweat break out on your skin. You take a deep breath, remembering that Susie Homemaker taught you that it helps slow your heart rate. It helps marginally, but the panic still sits like an icy ball deep in your gut.</p><p>You curl in on yourself, tucking your knees as tightly as you can against your chest, pressing your forehead against them firmly. You lay there breathing deeply, settling in for another night.</p><p>To wait for her.</p><p>You sift through your memories, deciding which one you will use to lull yourself to sleep tonight. You settle for one that isn’t one of your favorites but makes the corners of your lips twitch in amusement even through all the panic.</p><p>You close your eyes and remember. You can feel the cool air prick your skin, and the novel sound of a delicious heartbeat in your ears. It’s night, with barely any moonlight to light your way as you walk hesitantly forward. In front of you, the most infuriatingly naïve human walks purposefully through the foliage, her backpack hiked absurdly high on her shoulders. Your eyes are fixed on her bright yellow beanie as it bounces wildly with her stride.</p><p>The memory takes over you, and you feel like you did then. Like you had taken a breath for the first time in a century. Like maybe, for once, you had found a destination.</p><ul>

</ul><p>Laura</p><p>Things are getting clearer. Well, things are still kinda fuzzy, and every once in a while, I feel like I’m being tossed around inside a washing machine but I’ve at least figured out I’m in some sort of room.</p><p>There’s a bed, a nightstand, four white walls and a door. The details are harder to nail down but at least now I’ve figured out where I am.</p><p>As for the who I am, it is less clear.  A while ago, or maybe it was not so long ago, I noticed a tray of cookies set on the nightstand. The smell of vanilla and chocolate hit my nose like a tidal wave and I was almost knocked off my feet by the force of it. I quickly located the source of the smell and walked over to the plate. Or, I don’t really remember walking over, I kind of just thought about crossing the room and then- boom- I was there.</p><p>The smell was intoxicating and without thinking, I shoved the pile of cookies down my gullet with fervor. The taste was off. Or, I don’t know, it didn’t bring any satisfaction like it used to. I could feel the hastily chewed glob of cookie reluctantly make its way down my throat and sit uneasily in my stomach.</p><p>Disappointing cookies aside, the taste triggered something. I was suddenly struck with a memory from freshman year, scarfing down cookies during midterms, wiping sticky crumbs off my keyboard as I was typing up my lit paper.</p><p>This memory triggered a cascade of others, as if a switch had been thrown and suddenly everything aligned just right.</p><p>I am Laura Hollis. I went to Silas University where I majored in journalism. My dad’s name is Sherman and my mother’s name was Maria.</p><p>I paced back and forth across the wooden floor and tried to follow the strings of memories to their ends, searching for every last morsel of information about myself. And began to piece together who I was- who I am. I remembered all of my childhood Christmases, that time I broke my arm when I fell out of a tree, and how I uncovered an embezzlement scandal in my elementary school. I eventually dredged up everything all the way up until that stress induced cookie guzzling incident freshman year of Silas.</p><p>I know there is more, but there is some sort of barrier I can’t see through. And now I feel like I perpetually have it just on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t quite grasp it.</p><p>It’s infuriating, to say the least. But at the same time a part of me knows that whatever is on the other side of that barrier is nothing good. I can feel it in the way my bones carry an extra weight to them. Liked they’re carrying a heavy, world-altering knowledge, sequestering it away where my mind cannot access it.</p><p>But one thing I know now is that the truth means everything to me. And that I have shown time and time again that I will stop at nothing until I dig it out.</p><p>I stop pacing and head towards the bed and lay down on top of the covers, curling in on myself. I bring my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around my shins as tightly as I can, my arms shaking with the effort. I feel like if I press hard enough, I’ll be able to shake those memories free from where they’re hiding in my bones. Digging my forehead roughly into the tops on my knees, I close my eyes and try to remember.</p><hr/><p>“You think you’re this soulless monster but you’re not.”</p><p>“But-“</p><p>“-but nothing. You may have a past but you’re not that person anymore. You know how I know? Because my jugular is still very much intact even though I know I drive you up the wall with my ‘childish ideas of right and wrong’.” I try to drop my voice to imitate your infuriatingly smug tone you use when you’re telling me how young and naïve I am, but it just sounds phony coming from me. You chuckle darkly at me and I briefly wonder if there is actual steam coming from me ears. I ignore you and continue, “and my incessant and inane questions about vampirism. So quit the bullshit.”</p><p><em>God,</em> I’m so tired of your callous superiority and I really just want to smack that stupid grin off your face and into next week.</p><p>I’m about to tell you as much along with several other very angry things when the ground beneath my feet begins to shake.</p><p>My eyes snap to yours and I find that your lecherous grin has disappeared and look of profound confusion has replaced it, your brow furrowing deeply, and your eyes widened dramatically. A feeling of dread crashes over me and I lock eyes with yours.</p><p>There’s a moment where we’re suspended in time as things crash down around us and then there’s the familiar bright flash of light before the black.</p><ul>

</ul><p>When I wake, I don’t feel disoriented. I’ve done this so many times before my brain doesn’t even pretend to not know what’s going on. The first few times I apparated, it took me several hours to get my wits about me, stop hyperventilating and start acting like a normal person again. After about the dozenth time I simply just got up from wherever I had been thrown onto the floor and went about to see where it was I had been dragged to this time.</p><p>So, this time is no different. I sit up and rub a growing knot on the side of my head which feels suspiciously like the corner of a book had smacked my skull. I immediately look around for you, knowing you’re probably extremely confused and even though I haven’t spent too much time with you, I can tell you don’t like to not know what’s going on. You don’t like to be vulnerable. Ironic, since you’re probably one of the most vulnerable people I’ve ever met.</p><p> I get up and dust off my jeans before starting to roam around in search of you. I shake my head.</p><p>You think you’re such hot shit and you use violence to distance yourself from people, but I can see right through you. And I think you know that. And there’s this look you give me that honestly makes me a little uncomfortable.</p><p>Not in a bad way. It’s just when you look at me like that it makes my heart stutter in my chest and I can’t look away.</p><p>Like when you tell me something about yourself that you think I might not like. And your voice is strong and true and doesn’t waver at all and your shoulders are set firmly. To anyone else, it might look like you don’t give a damn what anyone thinks, the way your voice dips suggestively and your jaw ticks in arrogance.</p><p>But your eyes give you away. It’s your tell. I’ve been thinking about telling you because you’d probably be terrible at poker, but I don’t want to call attention to it because it’s the most amazing thing.</p><p>To see your heart so bluntly on display like that and in such gruesome detail that I might think that I was truly looking directly at your soul.</p><p>And the thing that gets me is that you’re not just letting me look, either purposefully or unintentionally. No, I can feel it in the intensity of your gaze that you’re offering something to me. Every time you tell me another detail about you, it’s an offering.</p><p>A gift.</p><p>And it overwhelms me. Because I’m just me. Just Laura Hollis. A tiny, gay Journalism major. And I’ve done nothing to deserve the weight of your offering. In fact, I’ve done things that would indicate the opposite.</p><p>But I can’t look away. I can’t bring the words to my lips to tell you that I don’t deserve this- whatever this is between us. Because I’m weak and I’m selfish.</p><p>I take what you give me, and then ask for more and more, questioning you on every little detail of your life and your past lives just so I can bask in that intoxicating gaze one more time.</p><p>And then I found your limit. I hit a nerve when I asked about your mother and when you got up from the couch and stalked towards me like a sexy, violent predator, all of the air in my lungs was forced out. Because, your dark eyes were no longer clear and vulnerable.</p><p>They were completely dark, void of warmth and the contrast made it difficult to string a thought together.</p><p>But even as much as it hurt to see you so closed off, that’s how I knew.</p><p>That’s how I knew this yarn you were spinning about seducing and fucking all those girls was a bold-faced lie. Because, somehow, in the short time that I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve found that even in all your so-called sins, all of the terrible things you’ve done, you do not lie. You can’t. And that cold, dead look in your eyes when you tried to convince me of your depravity told me everything I needed to know.</p><p>I was in the middle of calling you out on it when the stupid library interrupted me.</p><p>And now I turn the corner around the stacks and come to the lounge, and I see you splayed out on the floor, still apparently unconscious.</p><p>I walked over to you and reflexively try to find your pulse, before remembering that you don’t have one anyway. And while you’re not breathing, I know that you don’t need to breathe either, although you do normally for whatever reason.</p><p>I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and try to calm my racing heart. If a human could survive apparition, surely a vampire could. But how do I tell if you’re alive?</p><p>I look down at your contorted form and decide to act like you’re alive and if you are then you’re probably gonna be extra grumpy if you wake up with a crick in your neck. Eyeing the sofa wearily, I decide that I can try to lift you up onto the cushions, so at least you can be somewhat comfortable while you wake up.</p><p>I roll you over and grab you from underneath your arm pits and heave upwards, grunting in exertion. <em> God, Carm. You’re waaayyy heavier than you look. </em>I think, as I readjust my grip and half lift half toss you onto the sofa.</p><p>You don’t react in any way, limbs still dangling limply at your sides, your face pressed in into the cushion. I’ve broken out in a sweat and I’m breathing a little heavier than I should be.</p><p><em>God, Hollis you really need to work out more</em>.</p><p>I sit down next your head and lift it onto my thigh, so your neck isn’t bent as such an odd angle. Without thinking, I brush your hair out of your face and rhythmically thread my fingers through your hair.</p><p>And then I feel you take a deep breath. I freeze and look down at your face, peaceful and relaxed, and then your lips move just barely.</p><p>“Cupcake…” you whisper, and you nuzzle your face into my thigh with an adorable grumble. I stay frozen, and I can feel my face burning hotter than the sun. After a moment one of your hands comes up and flops onto mine where it’s sitting tense and frozen on your head. You squeeze it and clumsily motion for me to continue running my fingers through your hair again, and when I do, your hand falls heavily to the cushion and you’re limp again.</p><p>I bite my lip to keep a grin from spreading across my face. I look at the ceiling and shake my head at myself.</p><p><em>Yep</em>, I think. I look back down at you, now drooling onto my jeans, breathes coming steadily in and out.</p><p>
  <em>Yeah….</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yeah.</em>
</p><p>I let my eyes drift closed and I know that I will take everything you have to give me and I will hold it for you. I’ll carry it for you.</p><p>Because I think maybe you’ve been looking for someone to carry that burden on your heart for so long you’ve given up. Or almost given up.</p><p>You chose me to give you one last chance whether you know it or not.</p><p>And I won’t let you down.</p><p>I won’t.</p><hr/><p>My eyes open and I shoot up out of bed. I can see your limp form in front of me, your head lying heavily on my thigh like it were real. </p><p>My hand comes up to clap over my mouth as your name reverberates in my skull.</p><p>Carmilla. </p><p>Oh my god, Carm.</p><p>What happened?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I enjoyed writing that flashback from Laura's POV. I want to do a lot more of that, just to provide some insight of how Laura fell for Carm, since we already know Carm's story. Let me know if you liked it!</p><p>I reread the last chapter and jeez I'm a little rusty with writing after taking several weeks off but I think this chapter was a little better and I know I'll get back in the swing of things soon enough for the juicy stuff.</p><p>Believe me, I am WAITING for this reunion between our two lovely lesbians. But I'm building up the suspense heehee. just know that when they do reunite again there will be FIRE. WORKS. <br/>So much gay pining and angst will come to a head and honestly I'm not even gonna plan it before hand im just gonna start writing and let them take me there. That's what makes it fun!</p><p>Anyway, come yell at me in the comments. I'm not checking ao3 as much cause I'm studying pretty hard but eventually I'll respond.</p><p>Until next time creampuffs!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I Would Do It All Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A reunion</p>
<p>Feels. </p>
<p>Laura remembers</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey what’s up. So I know updates aren’t what they used to be but life is crazy busy rn and it’s hard to sit down and write these days. And My computer broke so I’m on my iPad which is low key annoying to type on but never fear But I will never abandon this! </p>
<p>and I know it’s still a shorter chapter but I sat down to write and I couldn’t figure out how to segue this part to the next part so I just cut it off here. Am currently writing the next chapter which I will aim to be at least 5k like the old days because I personally am not a fan when you’re following a story and updates take like 2 min to read and then you have to wait again.</p>
<p>Anyway I hope all of you are staying safe and health these days. Come yell at me in the comments about anything I may not respond right away but I will eventuallly. Comments are the highlight of my week ! Even if it’s just a hey hows it going.</p>
<p>Without further ado and rambling, here is a 3k more angsts angst.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You’ve never been very good at waiting. You would think being several centuries old would have granted you a sort of divine patience and perspective, but all those years really taught you was that there’s no reason to wait for anything. You could wait million years for something and, yeah, it might come eventually but then you’d just wasted a million years you could have had with the thing you wanted.</p>
<p>There are times when you are forced to wait, like when you spent a century under the ground, waiting for the world to end. And there are other times when you really have to take the bull by the horns and fucking yank until you get what you want because the waiting will drive you insane if you let it. </p>
<p>You've been sitting on the cool wooden floor for two weeks now, and even though you know that two weeks is technically only the average time it takes to turn into a vampire, you had the number stuck in your head, flashing like a fucking beacon in the night. You had somehow convinced yourself that this would be your endpoint, that if you could just make it fourteen days, you'd have Laura again and you could breathe. </p>
<p>You press your forehead as hard as you can into the unforgiving wood and your shoulders shake with the force of it. You feel your breaths whistling in and out of your chest shallowly and your jaw is clenched so hard your muscles quiver with fatigue.  </p>
<p>Your brain is whirring and you feel stretched out and under an unimaginable tension, like if anything touched you, you might explode and your insides would cover the room. </p>
<p>And then you hear a screech and a choked sob. A word reaches your ears and a breath catches in your throat. Your body freezes, waiting to hear anything more from beyond that wretched door to confirm you haven’t hallucinated.</p>
<p>And then you hear it again, only this time it’s a breathless, broken whisper and all the air is sucked from your lungs as your brain makes sense of it.</p>
<p>“Carm....”</p>
<p>and suddenly you’re moving. You’re standing upright and your vision goes momentarily back and you head wavers at the woozy feeling, but you throw out your hands blindly anyway, ignoring your stupid body’s inefficient circulation. </p>
<p>After a moment your fingers finally catch on the door handle and you try to wrench it open. It’s locked of course- you know this- but you don’t care. That broken whisper is still ringing in your ears and all you see is blood stained, blonde hair and empty, honey eyes staring back at you. </p>
<p>You step back and start wailing at the door handle with the heel of your boot. Hurling at it rhythmically, your leg swinging back and forth, a desperate grunt scraping its way past your throat on every kick. A small part of your brain knows that this is a vampire proof door and your pathetic human muscles are no match for it, but you can’t stop yourself. All you know is that Laura is in there and she’s calling for you and you need to get to her to save her because you promised her. </p>
<p>Somehow you manage to knocked the silver door knob off and it tumbles to the ground with a thud. You scream in frustration and let out a string of especially invective expletives aimed at the library. Your desperation is reaching a hysterical level and you choke on your own sobs that wrack your chest. <br/>You switch to throwing your whole body into the door, your shoulder ramming painfully into the wood over and over and over as you scream. You don’t have control over your body anymore as you throw it haphazardly at the immovable door. Your screams give way to uncontrollable sobbing because all you can see is her, lying on the floor, bleeding from the lethal wounds you made in her neck. Her jaw is slack and the warmth is gone from those burning irises and you feel your chest collapsing in on itself.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the next time you throw yourself wildly against the door, there’s nothing there to stop you and you flail wildly through the air and crumble roughly to the floor on the other side. <br/>You scramble to your feet and wiping the tears and snot from your face, searching around with wild eyes and a stuttering heart.</p>
<p>You had been so caught up in your nightmare reverie that your first instinct is to search the floor for a limp, bloodless body. So you’re surprised when your eyes land on two clean bare feet across the room.</p>
<p>You follow the feet up and you take in the person in front of you. She’s in a nondescript grey sweat suit. Her sweatshirt faded and worn, with the Silas logo printed boldly on the front. Her hair is tangled and matted, and you think you see a dark red tinge to the tips, as if she’d dipped the ends in red wine. When your eyes find hers they’re burning for you. You don’t know what you expected her to look like, but you sure as hell didn’t expect her to look so much like her. If anything, she’s even more herself than you’ve ever seen her. </p>
<p>You can hear your heart beat thrumming in your ears like a pulsing waterfall and when her eyes flicker to your throat you know she can see where your carotid is bouncing wildly against the thin skin of your neck. Her eyes fixate and her jaw slackens just slightly. Even from across the room you can see her pupils dilate so that every ounce of honey is replace by a soulless black, and it makes your stomach twist. </p>
<p>You suddenly realize that you may have just gambled with your life coming in this room with a newborn vampire with your thrumming pulse and probably decadent smelling bloo d in your veins. It’s been a long time since you weren’t the most dangerous thing in the room and the feeling is more than unsettling. </p>
<p>You clear your throat, suddenly feeling self conscious. You probably look like a crazy person with tears and snot all over your face after having stumbled through a door you tried to break down with you bare hands. You run a shaky hand through your hair but it gets caught in a mess of knots so you inelegantly disentangle your hand and shove it in your pocket. You clear your throat.</p>
<p>“Sorry, uh- are you- I mean I heard- I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.?”</p>
<p>The words tumble out of your mouth in a rush and your hand comes up to the back of your neck to rub it nervously. Your voice seems to snap her out of her trance and her eyes flicker up to meet yours, a fraction of honey reappearing.</p>
<p>And then suddenly your chest is being crushed by two steel bands and it takes you a moment to realize you have an armful of Laura Hollis and she’s clinging to you like you’re her lifeline. <br/>Your arms wrap around her and you press your nose into her hair tightly.</p>
<p>You feel odd. And at first you almost want to grab her and dislodge her face from your neck so you can confirm that this is indeed Laura Hollis you’re holding because there’s something off. But then you breathe in deeply and you know.</p>
<p>It’s her. </p>
<p>Warm vanilla, earth, Laura.</p>
<p>Your stuttering heart is still racing but as the realization washes over you that you finally have Laura in your arms again and it settles into a swift but steady rhythm. And that’s when you realize what’s missing.</p>
<p>You can’t hear her heartbeat. </p>
<p>You knew this. Logically, you knew that she didn’t have a heart beat anymore. You knew that you would never hear that sound ring in your ears ever again. You knew this, but you had packed that thought away to a deep and untended part of your brain because it’s was not something you were anywhere near ready to think about. You were and are still not ready to mourn what you have lost- what you both have lost- because of what you did to her. </p>
<p>So you stop the train of thought in it’s tracks before the acid can pool in your stomach and consume you because Laura is here, in your arms, and she needs you. </p>
<p>The next thing you notice is that she’s warm. Not as warm as she used to feel. Because you’re no longer cold compared to her. No, you’re the same temperature now, and her skin feels smooth and soft on yours. You can no longer feel all the imperfections and intricate details across her skin as you did before. The thought disturbs you, because even though you had only had a short time to map out that skin, you had memorized every bump and curve and scar and rise and fall to her. And now you can’t feel any of it. </p>
<p>You feel a smile tug at the corners of your mouth despite the thought. You should have known Laura would be warm even as a vampire. Or maybe it’s that you’re cold even as a human.</p>
<p>You feel her sagging downwards, as if the effort of standing is too much for her, and you follow her downwards until you’re sitting and she’s curled up in your lap, still clutching you in a vice grip. You briefly worry she might accidentally crush you, her  arms tightening slowly but surely like a boa squeezing its prey. You’re reminded of the time in your first year as a vampire, you had wrenched a guy’s arm off when you went to shake his hand. Mattie had never believed you when you claimed it was Ann accident and honestly you didn’t blame her. But learning your own strength was something that took you a while.</p>
<p>But eventually the squeezing relaxes and she’s more melting into you, as if her new body were simply remembering how you fit together. And sliding back into that familiar place is what allows your heart to calm to a more sane, albeit still irregular pace. </p>
<p>You just hold her for a while, and it takes you a minute to realize she’s not breathing. But she’s shaking slightly and her whole body is wired a bit tight. You take a moment to let relief wash over you like a wave. A small stuttering breath escapes your lips.</p>
<p>She’s here. </p>
<p>She’s in your arms.</p>
<p>She alive. Sort of.</p>
<p>But it’s enough for you. </p>
<p>You would take her in any form. </p>
<p>You take another deep breath, letting her scent fill your nose. </p>
<p>And suddenly you feel her squirm against you and you let her lean back.</p>
<p>Her arms are around your neck and her face is a mere few inches from yours. Those honey irises you hadn’t seen in two weeks cut straight through you think they’re sharp enough slice you in half. </p>
<p>They’re a bit cloudy and unfocused, and even through a spike of anxiety runs through you at the sight you know it’s normal so early in her change. You let a hand float up and gently cup her jaw, your thumb coming to rest on her cheekbone.</p>
<p>Her eyes bounce between yours and her brow furrows in confusion.</p>
<p>“Carm?” She whispers. Her voice wavers uncertainly, like she’s unsure that it’s really you.</p>
<p>“It’s me cupcake. You’re safe. You’re okay. It’s okay.” You whisper back at her. </p>
<p>She’s still searching your face like she always does until your last words and then she freezes up. Her brow straightens and her lips part with a soft gasp. You feel your stomach drop to the floor and a wave of dread washes over you.</p>
<p>And then your brain catches up and you can practically see the memory running behind her eyes like a movie. </p>
<p>Her body tenses and her eyes turn to solid ice.</p>
<p>Her lip curls and you see a flash of a lengthened canine.</p>
<p>“You did this.” She spits at you. You recoil reflexively at the vitriol you had never heard in her voice before.</p>
<p>“You did this to me,” she spits again, louder and clear this time, although with a slight lisp that makes your chest squeeze. Her eyes, which had been so utterly transparent to you before are impenetrable to you now. Before you can answer, you feel two hands shove roughly at your chest and you fall backwards, catching yourself on your elbows, and suddenly she’s towering over you.</p>
<p>“Get out.” She growls. And your stomach twists because it doesn’t sound like your Laura at all. She sounds like a feral animal and all the warmth you’ve come to know her by is gone. Replaced by some cold monster you don’t recognize. </p>
<p>She growls again, louder her chest rumbling when you don’t move.</p>
<p>“I said get out.”  You just blink at her like the imbecile you are trying to comprehend her words and she finally snaps.</p>
<p>“Please....I can’t....” she sobs and her voice is like broken glass in between hiccuping gasps. </p>
<p>You scramble to your feet and her whole body recoils away from you, her shoulders shrugging defensively to her ears and her clenched fists pressing into her forehead. You stop in your tracks, and resignation settles in your bones like molten lead. </p>
<p>“Ok. I’m leaving.” You whisper, you voice barely audible but you know she’ll hear you. </p>
<p>She just presses the heels of her hands into her eyes and you can see her chest fighting to breathe. You know the feeling. Of wanting to breathe but your body rejecting it. Craving the relief from a cool deep breath only to receive tepid gushes in and out of an impervious chest.</p>
<p>You turn and walk slowly towards the open door, every fiber in your being telling you to turn around and stay in this room and beg her for forgiveness. To get on your knees and beg for her to give you back your life. </p>
<p>Not this time.</p>
<p>No, you know that this time, you have irrevocably broken something. You knew as soon as you saw her through the silver haze when she came for you. Her desperate plea made in a haze of blood-thirst and blurry confusion had momentarily allowed you to forget. For just a moment you reveled in the way she clung to you and you remembered the hope you felt when she needed you. When you had something of yourself to offer her and you had not betrayed her yet.</p>
<p>And you told her back then. That you knew there was never another ending for you. There was never another way that your life could have turned out. There was. Never another way that her life could have turned out. Not when you had inextricably linked it with yours.</p>
<p>You go to close the door softly and just before the door falls shut you hear a heart wrenching sob and broken whimper. The sound makes your legs collapse and you fall to your hands and knees, the door swinging shut with a loud and final thud.</p>
<p>And with that final sound, your defenses give way. The weight of what you’ve done finally hits you like a Mac truck and it takes all your strength with it. Your arms collapse and you curl in on yourself, pressing your face into the cold wood floor. </p>
<p>And god you feel so stupid. You knew is would happen. You knew. </p>
<p>When you met her you knew you would destroy her. You knew it was only a matter of time before your greed would consume her. Yet you continued to pursue her anyway, fooling yourself into thinking you could be her rock. What a fool you’ve been, thinking you could possibly offer her anything, that anything you had had any sort of value. That you could be anything but an insatiable black hole, endlessly sucking out her light and always asking for more. </p>
<p>And now you’re paying the consequences- she’s paying your consequences. </p>
<p>As for you, you’re back to where you started. No harm done. It’s as if you never met her.</p>
<p>But she will never be the same. She will never recover.</p>
<p>You will die and be buried in the ground and you will pay for your sins. But she will never see an end to hers. She will never get the closure you have so unfairly been granted.</p>
<p>The weight of it all bears down on your like never before and you know for a fact you are done. There is nothing left for you and now that you’re human, you don’t have to bear it. And you decide that you won’t. You will not be taken for a fool for another second. You will not be goaded into waiting another moment for the light to come find you. </p>
<p>No, you are done with the waiting. You are done with the hoping. </p>
<p>Because here’s the thing about hope. </p>
<p>It fucking hurts.</p>
<p>People say hope is the one thing you cling in the darkest times. They say that when you have nothing left, you always have hope to carry you on. To give you comfort when it feels like the darkness is closing in and you’ll never see the light again.</p>
<p>But it’s a lie.</p>
<p>Hope is not a comfort. </p>
<p>It fucking hurts.</p>
<p>Because here’s the thing. When you are truly at the bottom. When you truly have nothing left, hope looks like an oasis in the desert. And your parched lips and delirious water starved brain reflexively grabs hold of it like a lifeline. </p>
<p>But it’s a mirage. A trick of the eyes. A mere happenstance of molecules and photons and processing. </p>
<p>And when you’re in that state, you can’t help up cling to that hope. It’s a survival instinct. When you’re free falling through the dark and you feel a lifeline graze your hand, you first clenches around it before you can even process the sensation. </p>
<p>And it’s glorious at first, to finally catch yourself, to stop moving, to step falling, to be finally fucking still for once. So you wrap your body around it and bury it in your chest so it can’t slip away from you. And god it’s warm, and you’ve been cold for so long you let the heat radiate out until every single one of your cells is singing with the warmth.</p>
<p>But hope is trick, it’s a mirage. It’s a lie.</p>
<p>So when that thing you’ve implanted in your chest begins warming up, and the heat rises and rises you can’t undo it. It’s stuck there and all there is to do is to sit and wait as your insides burn and melt. </p>
<p>And it fucking hurts because it tricked you. It capitalized on your weakness and you had no defense against it in your desperation. </p>
<p>And the worst part is, you know if you were to go back to the dark, when you were falling and falling and you felt that lifeline graze your hand once again, you would still do the same. Even knowing what you know now. Knowing it would be the end of you. </p>
<p>You would still cling to that warmth with all you had. </p>
<p>And that’s what finally breaks you. </p>
<p>Because you know if you were transported back to that clearing, knowing what you know now, knowing how you would destroy the only good thing you had ever found, you would do it all again. </p>
<p>Just to feel her warmth.</p>
<p>And that’s the end of you. The end of your strength. The end of your will. </p>
<p>You lie there, rubbing your forehead lazily on the polished floor below you, your arms limply laying in front of your face, no longer needing to hold those burnt bits of yourself together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oof so poor carm. </p>
<p>I feel like I got  a little rambly at the end there about hope but I just went with it. </p>
<p>Laura and carm got some shit to work out and rn Laura is not in a very stable state so it may take a while. But tbh I’m prob more anxious for them to continue with tooth rotting fluff than you are so it’ll prob only be a few chapter more of this. </p>
<p>But who knows cause my outline was on my computer that broke so I’m just gonna see where the wind takes me now lol. It’s more fun that way anyway. </p>
<p>Also psa I’ve got  a pretty cool idea for a Clexa fic which I will start soon so keep an eye out for that. I’ve been knee deep in clexa fiics the past month and it’s reminding how much I love them too.</p>
<p>Anyway, Let me know what you think, bye cream puffs</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. No Knife Sharp Enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Some reflection </p><p>Everything is fine we’re fine</p><p>Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey so I originally planned for this to be part of a bigger chapter but I didn’t know when I’d have time to write the rest of the next part so I just wanted to get this out because y’all have been waiting patiently ;)</p><p>Update on my life. I’m taking a big exam tomorrow and then I start seeing real patients soon. And I’m super excited for season 4b of Wynnona Earp to come out. Any earpers out there? Come freak out w me in the comments. <br/>I’m just trying to get through this crazy quarantine time but it’s getting to me y’all. Anyone else? Can y’all believe it’s been almost a year since all this started? Crazy. </p><p>Anyway, here’s 1.5k of where our lovely lesbians are at and what they’re thinking about after that little spat. </p><p>Lemme know what you think!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Laura</p><p>I remember. God, I remember.</p><p>Now I know why my body tried to hide those memories in my bones. It was tiring to protect me from this. </p><p>From you.</p><p>I was so relieved to see you. Your dark eyes were sunken and you looked like you hadn’t showered in days, but you were you and that has always been more than enough.</p><p>Yes you’ve always been more than enough. You had always rambled on about how you would never be enough for me. And I had tried to convince you that it was quite the opposite. I am not enough for you. You are too much for me.</p><p>And good god Carm. You gave me so much. You gave me everything you had and then you figured out how to give me more and that’s why I love you,</p><p>But that’s also why I hate you. </p><p>Reasoning with you is like talking to a brick wall. I told you a thousand times just how MUCH you were. I tried to tell you to just stop giving yourself away like you were nothing. Because that’s what you kept doing. You kept cutting yourself in half and giving away pieces of yourself and I know you think you could do that for infinity and maybe mathematically you technically can but there comes a time when there’s no knife sharp enough to cut that last minuscule sliver of your soul into one last slice. </p><p>I think you knew that but didn’t care. I think you knew there would come a time when you had nothing left and that’s when you’d throw in the towel. And you’d hold that last indivisible particle in your palm and surrender it whole.</p><p>And jeez when I think about that, it makes me so mad. So. Mad. </p><p>Because you are so much MORE than what you can give someone. You are your own. And I trie to show you that. I tried to build something for you to have as your own, </p><p>But it turns out you took it and gave that away too. </p><p>And I’m so mad. Because that last part wasn’t yours to give away. Yes it was yours. But it was also mine. And you don’t get to run around throwing away things that belong to me. Not without talking to me. Not without looking me in the eye and asking my permission.</p><p>Instead, you looked me in the eye and lied to me. I knew you were lying, but I thought you knew something I didn’t. I thought it was a ploy to stall. I thought we were on the same page.</p><p>But we weren’t even in the same freaking book. </p><p>And so when I remembered, and I felt your arms wrapped around me and your heartbeat against my cheek, I lost it.</p><p>My vision went red and all I could think about was how that beating thing in your chest was stolen. It felt like you reached right in my chest and ripped my heart out and took it for yourself.</p><p>You hadn’t stolen it, really. I had already given it to you. I had given it to you to hold and cherish. And that’s the worst part. You didn’t even have to steal if from me. I gave it to you on my own volition. Even after you told me what you’d do with it. You told me over and over in the way you looked at me and I didn’t believe you. I chose not to believe you. </p><p>And now here we are. I can’t stand the sight of you. But I fucking love you so much I think maybe you can feel it in the way my heart beats in your chest.</p><p>I hope it hurts. I hope the empty echo in my chest is magnified tenfold in every contraction of that stolen organ. I hope you’re reminded every time you stop and feel the light rhythmic rumble of my heartbeat between your ribs what you’ve done.</p><p> </p><p><br/>Well. No. I don’t really hope that. As much as I hate you I also know you better than you know yourself. I know that this is too much for you. I know that what you’ve done to me will haunt you for the rest of your short life and you will never, ever forgive yourself.</p><p>But I also know you won’t give up. You won’t. As much as you want to, it just isn’t in your nature to give up. That’s my job.</p><p>But not this time. My mind is getting clearer by the hour. I can feel the violence in my bones and the dry desire burning in my throat but I feel the calm control straighten my spine.</p><p>I love you. More than you will ever know. But I cannot forgive you right now. I can’t. Even though I know you know exactly what you’ve done and I know you regret it. But I also know that you would do it again if you had to go back. In fact, you might actually succeed in killing me the second time around.</p><p>So I need you to wait. Just wait for me. I will get there. But the chemicals in my brain are making it impossible for me to even imagine what it could mean for us to be okay again. What happened between us was just too big and I just can’t right now.</p><p>I know you will wait. Because you’re you. </p><p>I just hope I don’t do too much damage in the meantime.</p><p> </p><ul>

</ul><p> </p><p>Carmilla</p><p> </p><p>It’s been five days since you kicked me out of the room.</p><p>You stopped laying outside her door. It was too hard, knowing she was just in the other side, hating you. You could feel her anger sleeping through the crack in the door and it made you sick to your stomach. So you went back to the window.</p><p>You couldn’t go back to the office. Her office. Yours and hers. To see those dark lines on the glass and rumpled sheets would have put you over the edge, and honestly you don’t know how you’re hanging on to your sanity at all right now so you thought it best not to test your limits.</p><p>You’re beginning to eat a bit more now. Curly Sue brings you all kinds of casserole and pastas for you to try, and it boggles your mind at how excited she gets if you find yourself sighing in appreciation of her dishes. You wish your life was that simple. Your happiness predicated simply on whether someone liked your cooking or not.</p><p>But you had never been one for appreciating the small things in life. The universe had always felt so indescribably huge to you. So much so that when you looked at the stars you had felt so insignificant in comparison. The thought had brought you comfort in many times of your life, knowing that you and every other powerful being out there, including your mother, was no match for the size of the universe you all shared. </p><p>At other times it had simply felt so oppressive you found no strength to lift even a single finger. And that’s the state Laura had found you in, lost in the vastness and the emptiness of the universe. </p><p>And even though she had sent you away. Even though she couldn’t stand the sight of you, you still felt the way your body revolves around her like a planet around a star. It was inevitable. Your orbit wasn’t perfect, it was oblong and sometimes you were carried farther away and sometimes you were carried so close you could hardly breathe from her heat but you never strayed far enough away that you couldn’t come back.</p><p>And so that’s why you think you’re still breathing right now. You had had a moment when the door first closed behind you when you felt like you had been knocked so far away from her that her gravity couldn’t pull you in anymore. But you were wrong.</p><p>You woke up a few hours later with that familiar tug and it grounded you. </p><p>And honestly her reaction to you was the correct one. You know what you did. It was unforgivable. Even for Laura. Even in all her heat and love, she could not overlook this. And knowing that she finally reacted to one of your many mistakes this way was comforting. Like you had been in a roller coaster but you finally got off and we’re safely rooted to the ground again. </p><p>You lay your head against the cold glass of the window and let your finger trace random patterns. With every shaky exhale, your breath casts over the surface, and the fog erase your patterns. You continue tracing over the new condensation, until your next breath and your next blank canvas. </p><p>You wonder. </p><p>How many times will it take for there to be a permanent impression in the glass? How long will it take for your finger to go raw? </p><p>How many times can you mark something before it is irreparably broken?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Damn. </p><p>So life lesson I’m currently learning: don’t give yourself away to people so much that you don’t have anything left for yourself. I tend to be quite self sacrificing and end up being sort of miserable cause I never do anything for myself. It’s not selfish to be happy. Seriously. Carm needs to learn this. I need to learn this. Maybe you have learned this. If so lemme know how you got there. </p><p>So next chap will have a bit more plot I expect. That’s why I’m putting it off lol. And honestly I want these two to make up sooner rather than later so next chapter will probably be the last chapter of all this angst. There will be more angst later, but as a couple. </p><p>Stay safe creampuffs. Thank you for your wonderful comments! They truly make my day and motivate me to write.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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